Healthcare for the Country Girl

Do you need to go to the doctor?  A handy checklist.*

Are you bleeding? 
Are you bleeding a lot?
No?  Don't waste my time.
Yes, quite a lot?
Is this bleeding putting you in mortal danger?
No?  Quit whining and put some duct tape on it.
Yes?  You may drive yourself to the doctor.

Do you think you may have broken a bone?
No?  Whenever you're finally done with what you're doing, take an aspirin.
Yes?  If it is broken, would the doctor be able to put a cast on it?
No?  It's your finger/toe?  Put some tape on it.  You'll be fine.
No?  It's your tailbone?  Sit on a floaty-ring.  You'll be fine.
Yes?  Can you see the bone?
No?  You're probably fine.  Walk it off.
Yes?  You may drive yourself to the doctor.

Does your head hurt?
Yes?  Did you fall from a great height or did something heavy fall on your head?
Yes?  Can you remember who the president is?
No?  You may lie down until someone finds you and drives you to the doctor.
Yes?  Do you have a very strong opinion about the president?
Yes?  You're fine.  Take one of those good pills left over from when you had your wisdom teeth out four years ago.
No?  You may lie down until someone finds you and drives you to the doctor.
Is the person nearest you screaming something about squishy pink stuff spilling out of your noggin?
Yes?  You're screwed.  You may as well not bother with the doctor.

Do you have a cold?
Is this a joke?  Use some Vicks and quitcherbitchin'.

*I am not a certified healthcare professional.  If you die, it's not my fault.


(True:  I love Vicks.  I once wrote an ode to express my love for Vicks.)

Coco is writing you a prescription for snuggles and rawhides.