It's Like an After-Christmas Clearance Sale...

...A little late, but pretty damn awesome.

You guys, I woke up this morning feeling well. 

Yeah, I'm one of those boring people with one of those boring chronic disorders, and you can't even tell I'm sick by looking at me, which is just plain rude.  But after six or so weeks of feeling ever more awful, peaking on Christmas Eve (because bursting out in tears and then cancelling a vocal performance at the Christmas Eve service as I walked into the Christmas Eve service is how I roll, yo), I feel awake, alert, focused, and hungry.

It's like my own little after-Christmas miracle.

This is too:

The Frogman's Night Before Christmas.  Read it.  Because if you didn't already know, Frogman is the funniest dude on the Internet.


(True:  Calendars are being mailed tomorrow.  I'm sorry; George is an asshole--see above.)

Reason I Love My Job #848

My manager gave me beer for Christmas.


(True:  I'm headed up to AbominableSnowmanLand tonight--no promises that I'll post on Monday.  Have a safe and happy holiday, folks!)

Hops in the Right Direction: Home for More Than Just the Holidays

You know what makes a great gift?  A Tamagotchi.  Not the little keychain bit, because I'm pretty sure all of those are stuck in a time loop in the 90's.  But apparently there's an app for that.

You know what doesn't make a great gift?  A puppy. 

A dog is a joy to be sure, but it is also a responsibility, a creature that will depend on you for everything for the rest of its life.  And you owe it to the dog to be certain its owner is going to be able to provide for it.  If you've already come to the conclusion that your family is ready for a dog, and now is a great time to get one, that's fantastic.  Adopt a dog.  Give that dog the gift of life.

But I have serious issues with a dog being a gift, particularly for children.  It's not a commodity; it's a life.  And tying a bow around its neck and bringing it out Christmas morning doesn't help children learn the importance and fragility of that life.  But taking a child to a shelter, explaining how and why the pets end up there, and what can happen to them if they don't find homes--that might not be as fun as a wriggling puppy Christmas morning, but it will have more resonance.

Via




(True:  You still have time to request your Possum Pinups calendar!)

Easy DIY Gift Bag Upgrade

I use gift bags very rarely.  In general, I like wrapping gifts.  (Yeah, I'm weird.  Tell me something I don't know.)  This year, though, I'm just so tired.  So I'm taking some shortcuts--some gifts are getting the "shove it in a gift bag and forget about it" treatment.

Aaand since I like things to be pretty and inexpensive, I upgraded some inexpensive, plain bags.  And they actually don't look dumb!




Just remember, I am the world's worst photographer.

 You can stop here.  No really.  You can look at the photo and see how it's done.  See?  You can shortcut your wrapping and your blog-reading.

What you'll need:

Gift bags
Craft/wrapping paper in coordinating colors
Glue dots/tape
Raffia/ribbon
Bells/ornaments/something pretty (optional)


For the bag on the left, I cut strips of wrapping paper about two inches wide, cut fringe, and curled it up around my finger.  I taped the fringe strips on the bag, because I'm classy like that.  (And also because I couldn't find my glue dots.  Seriously.  What did I do before glue dots?)  And then I used a strip of paper to cover the tape on the top layer of fringe.  The bag I already had.  The paper I already had.  The raffia I already had.  Total cost:  $0.  Total time:  5 minutes.

For the bag on the right, I cut two triangles, the star shape, and the rectangle for the trunk out of wrapping paper.  (The paper I have is a heavier, paper-grocery bag texture, FYI.)  I made it purposely imperfect, since that seemed to fit the "down home" feel of the color combo with the checks.  As I said, I misplaced my glue dots, so I used the old tape loop trick--one in the middle of the smaller triangle, and one in each corner of the larger triangle.  The fact that the edges of the trees are not tight against the bag makes for an interesting texture, though it didn't translate well to photo.  (Blame it on the photographer.  Frankly, I'm surprised she managed to get the entirety of both bags in one shot.)  The bells are a cheapy ornament I got at Target to dress it up a bit more, since I don't have the energy to do fancy bows this year.  Five bags:  $3.  Bell ornaments from Target:  $1.  Total cost per bag:  $1.60.  And it actually looks cute enough to be reused next year.  (What, doesn't your family do that, too?)  Total time:  2 minutes.

(Bravo if you read this far.  Don't give me that look--I told you you didn't need to.)


(True:  Last chance to email me at danathebiped at gmx dot com about what nice thing you've done for homeless pets and even have the smallest hope of getting your Possum Pinups calendar by Christmas!)

It's Really a Gift--For You and From You. So You Won't Even Have to Regift.

You know what I love even more than ice cream?  Watching TV and eating ice cream.  Of course, since I don't currently have a functioning television, all my watching happens online.  Between Netflix and the various networks' streaming video, I'm pretty well covered, and not in much danger of running out of things to watch.

A lot of my favorite shows are already discontinued or are already several seasons in--I generally prefer that, because then I can get obsessed and watch three consecutive seasons of a show in a week. 

But I might make an exception, and watch a currently-airing online show when Chic premieres.



Yes, that is a widget.  (Lookit ma, I managed a widget!)

Yes, that is a widget to a Kickstarter.

But I wouldn't recommend it if it weren't going to be AWESOME.  Seriously.  I know the producers, Sarah Hesch and Chris Snapp, and they are funny and clever as hell, and they make good art.  Do you really think I would recommend a show about pr0n on a blog my mother reads, otherwise?

Check it out.  Donate if it interests you.  Even if it doesn't, donate anyway--you can consider it a protest against the Kardashians.  And next year, you'll have something funny and clever as hell to watch instead of doing your laundry.

See?  Gift to yourself.


(True:  You know what else would make a great gift to youself?  A PossumFace Pinup calendar.)

Hops in the Right Direction: I've done nothing all week, so here is some stuff other, more productive people have done.

Yeah, I've been MIA again.  What can I say?  I've been focused on not dying.  I even took a sick day from work, so you know it's serious.

Anyway, while I've been snoring/snotting/sniffling on everything, the Internet has been hard at work, coming up with things for me to post.



There is no reason for me to post that image other than it cracks me up.

I'm sorry.  This is going to be an odd post.  I'm all hopped up on cold medicine.

As long as I'm posting funny shtuff, lookit this!

Via

What can I say?  It cracked me up.

And this one is seasonally appropriate!

Via

But  here is a photo/link that is more seriously awesome:

We all know that dogs with altered mobility are the best.  And we know that therapy dogs are also the best.  (Shut up.  I know that doesn't make sense.  Roll with me here, yeah?  <--That's a joke.  You'll get it in a minute.)  Well, therapy dogs with altered mobility are the bestest.

Via

I think I had something else to say, but I forgot.


(True:  Don't forget your Possum Pinups calendar!)

Hops in the Right Direction: Paying It Forward--With a Giveaway!

Remember that time that my mom accidentally pet a 'possum instead of a cat?  And I implied 'possums are ugly monsters?  And then that led to this post, where I talked about marsupial fetishists collecting images for their pinup calendar?  And I unleashed this horror upon the world:

I'm sorry, you probably had repressed that.

Well, that calendar is now a thing, and you can get one FOR FREE.

Yes, that's right, a full, proper, 12 month, full-color calendar in all its perverted glory* can be yours.  FOR FREE.  All the images are brand new and created by my very very cool friend/cousin/faithful reader/marsupial fetishist Dianawesome.  Because she is awesome.

All I ask is that, in lieu of payment, you donate some time/money/old towels or other supplies to whatever animal shelter you like.  Then, email me at danathebiped@gmx.com with your address and details of how you helped a homeless pet.  That's it.  You could even lie about the help part if you really wanted, because I'm going on the honor system here.  In January, I'll post what we've all accomplished, and we can all be amazed and self-congratulatory over how fabulous we are.

Fabulous, right?

Because even though we're sick and twisted people, we've got squishy soft hearts.  And just in case you need a reminder of where to find your squishy soft heart, let me tell you a story.

In the spring of 2011, I adopted a three-legged Pomeranian with a slew of anxiety issues and a rapidly approaching "adopt by or else" date.  She was kind of raggedy:

But she had a great smile.  And she was terrified of being alone and also of slippery floors.  My friends and family gave me whatever rugs they could spare to help me accomodate her on my hardwood floors.

Fast forward through lots of obedience and relaxation classes for her, massage lessons for me, a ton of research about tripods and their bodies, and countless hours of training.  Fast forward to this Thanksgiving at my folks' house. 

Prada was in the living room on her rug.  Mom, Dad, and I were in the kitchen chatting.  And then this happened (which you might not be able to see very well, because it was taken on my old really dumb phone):

That's my dog on a hardwood floor, if you can't tell.  And this is why you should do something good.  Because every shelter pet that finds a home has a thousand little miracles in their lives, the most important being a family.  And also because 'possum faces on pinup girls are funny.  (And free!)


*(True:  I feel obligated to point out that a couple of the calendar possumgirls turned out a little grainy.  They'll all be perfect next year, though.)

This is a Public Service Announcement (Poor Babies)

I went to a friend's baby shower this weekend, which was awesome since it was not a women-only event and the mama-to-be opened her gifts right next to the TV where the Packers game was on because PRIORITIES.

Things I learned: 

1. My friend Huge Sam speaks fluent toddler.
2. When it comes to baby shower games, it may not be the correct answer (ever), but "Motherfucking SPAGHETTIOS" it will earn you an extra credit point.

Also, baby food smells really gross.


(True:  This is not the announcement you are looking for.  I'd say I'm sorry, but I didn't specify when this week now, did I?)