I'm sorry, you probably had repressed that.
Well, that calendar is now a thing, and you can get one FOR FREE.
Yes, that's right, a full, proper, 12 month, full-color calendar in all its perverted glory* can be yours. FOR FREE. All the images are brand new and created by my very very cool friend/cousin/faithful reader/marsupial fetishist Dianawesome. Because she is awesome.
All I ask is that, in lieu of payment, you donate some time/money/old towels or other supplies to whatever animal shelter you like. Then, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with your address and details of how you helped a homeless pet. That's it. You could even lie about the help part if you really wanted, because I'm going on the honor system here. In January, I'll post what we've all accomplished, and we can all be amazed and self-congratulatory over how fabulous we are.
Because even though we're sick and twisted people, we've got squishy soft hearts. And just in case you need a reminder of where to find your squishy soft heart, let me tell you a story.
In the spring of 2011, I adopted a three-legged Pomeranian with a slew of anxiety issues and a rapidly approaching "adopt by or else" date. She was kind of raggedy:
But she had a great smile. And she was terrified of being alone and also of slippery floors. My friends and family gave me whatever rugs they could spare to help me accomodate her on my hardwood floors.
Fast forward through lots of obedience and relaxation classes for her, massage lessons for me, a ton of research about tripods and their bodies, and countless hours of training. Fast forward to this Thanksgiving at my folks' house.
Prada was in the living room on her rug. Mom, Dad, and I were in the kitchen chatting. And then this happened (which you might not be able to see very well, because it was taken on my old really dumb phone):
That's my dog on a hardwood floor, if you can't tell. And this is why you should do something good. Because every shelter pet that finds a home has a thousand little miracles in their lives, the most important being a family. And also because 'possum faces on pinup girls are funny. (And free!)
*(True: I feel obligated to point out that a couple of the calendar possumgirls turned out a little grainy. They'll all be perfect next year, though.)