It's Like an After-Christmas Clearance Sale...

...A little late, but pretty damn awesome.

You guys, I woke up this morning feeling well. 

Yeah, I'm one of those boring people with one of those boring chronic disorders, and you can't even tell I'm sick by looking at me, which is just plain rude.  But after six or so weeks of feeling ever more awful, peaking on Christmas Eve (because bursting out in tears and then cancelling a vocal performance at the Christmas Eve service as I walked into the Christmas Eve service is how I roll, yo), I feel awake, alert, focused, and hungry.

It's like my own little after-Christmas miracle.

This is too:

The Frogman's Night Before Christmas.  Read it.  Because if you didn't already know, Frogman is the funniest dude on the Internet.


(True:  Calendars are being mailed tomorrow.  I'm sorry; George is an asshole--see above.)

Reason I Love My Job #848

My manager gave me beer for Christmas.


(True:  I'm headed up to AbominableSnowmanLand tonight--no promises that I'll post on Monday.  Have a safe and happy holiday, folks!)

Hops in the Right Direction: Home for More Than Just the Holidays

You know what makes a great gift?  A Tamagotchi.  Not the little keychain bit, because I'm pretty sure all of those are stuck in a time loop in the 90's.  But apparently there's an app for that.

You know what doesn't make a great gift?  A puppy. 

A dog is a joy to be sure, but it is also a responsibility, a creature that will depend on you for everything for the rest of its life.  And you owe it to the dog to be certain its owner is going to be able to provide for it.  If you've already come to the conclusion that your family is ready for a dog, and now is a great time to get one, that's fantastic.  Adopt a dog.  Give that dog the gift of life.

But I have serious issues with a dog being a gift, particularly for children.  It's not a commodity; it's a life.  And tying a bow around its neck and bringing it out Christmas morning doesn't help children learn the importance and fragility of that life.  But taking a child to a shelter, explaining how and why the pets end up there, and what can happen to them if they don't find homes--that might not be as fun as a wriggling puppy Christmas morning, but it will have more resonance.

Via




(True:  You still have time to request your Possum Pinups calendar!)

Easy DIY Gift Bag Upgrade

I use gift bags very rarely.  In general, I like wrapping gifts.  (Yeah, I'm weird.  Tell me something I don't know.)  This year, though, I'm just so tired.  So I'm taking some shortcuts--some gifts are getting the "shove it in a gift bag and forget about it" treatment.

Aaand since I like things to be pretty and inexpensive, I upgraded some inexpensive, plain bags.  And they actually don't look dumb!




Just remember, I am the world's worst photographer.

 You can stop here.  No really.  You can look at the photo and see how it's done.  See?  You can shortcut your wrapping and your blog-reading.

What you'll need:

Gift bags
Craft/wrapping paper in coordinating colors
Glue dots/tape
Raffia/ribbon
Bells/ornaments/something pretty (optional)


For the bag on the left, I cut strips of wrapping paper about two inches wide, cut fringe, and curled it up around my finger.  I taped the fringe strips on the bag, because I'm classy like that.  (And also because I couldn't find my glue dots.  Seriously.  What did I do before glue dots?)  And then I used a strip of paper to cover the tape on the top layer of fringe.  The bag I already had.  The paper I already had.  The raffia I already had.  Total cost:  $0.  Total time:  5 minutes.

For the bag on the right, I cut two triangles, the star shape, and the rectangle for the trunk out of wrapping paper.  (The paper I have is a heavier, paper-grocery bag texture, FYI.)  I made it purposely imperfect, since that seemed to fit the "down home" feel of the color combo with the checks.  As I said, I misplaced my glue dots, so I used the old tape loop trick--one in the middle of the smaller triangle, and one in each corner of the larger triangle.  The fact that the edges of the trees are not tight against the bag makes for an interesting texture, though it didn't translate well to photo.  (Blame it on the photographer.  Frankly, I'm surprised she managed to get the entirety of both bags in one shot.)  The bells are a cheapy ornament I got at Target to dress it up a bit more, since I don't have the energy to do fancy bows this year.  Five bags:  $3.  Bell ornaments from Target:  $1.  Total cost per bag:  $1.60.  And it actually looks cute enough to be reused next year.  (What, doesn't your family do that, too?)  Total time:  2 minutes.

(Bravo if you read this far.  Don't give me that look--I told you you didn't need to.)


(True:  Last chance to email me at danathebiped at gmx dot com about what nice thing you've done for homeless pets and even have the smallest hope of getting your Possum Pinups calendar by Christmas!)

I Am a Walking Slapstick Routine

Or a limping one, really.

I broke my little toe last night, and you know how I did it?  Walking.  Honestly, in a world of "survival of the fittest," how am I still drawing breath?  It's shocking really that I haven't asphyxiated on my own tongue, much less that I drive cars without incident on a regular basis.

Aaaand now I won't be able to wear the awesome pumps I was planning on for the wedding I'm going to next week.  Which means I'll need to find another suitable, open-toed pair in my closet or buy some.  Which frankly I don't want to do. 

(By the way, I may well go M.I.A late next week.  I'll be in Florida, vacationing with Seven and attending a mutual friend's awesome wedding.)

This Karma is too sweet to suggest I deserved it.

I Am an Accidental Grinch.

You guys.  You guys.

I almost accidentally ruined Christmas twice in a six-hour span.  No joke.

First, the infamous camera.  I could have sworn I had told my parents I wanted a camera, but I was going to tell The Squeeze too, so maybe they would want to powwow with him.  Likewise, I told The Squeeze I wanted a camera and that he should powwow with my parents.

The Squeeze gave me an awesome camera.  I was telling my folks about it, and discovered my dad had as well, going so far as to look for a specific, hard-to-lose color (he knows me so well), charging the battery, and getting an idea of how it worked.  I felt bad, my parents felt bad, I shared the badness with The Squeeze, and he felt bad, too.

It was bad.

No sooner had I stopped sniffling than it was time to go to church for the Christmas Eve service, where I was going to be singing "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" a capella from the hymnal.

Well, apparently our hymnal doesn't include that hymn.  I didn't discover this until about five minutes before the service began.  I spent the entire sermon flipping through the hymnal, looking desperately for a song I knew well enough to do without any practice a capella.  Sorry, Baby Jesus.

But, because the Jeez is a forgiving sort, it all turned out okay.

At church, well, those people have known me since before I was potty-trained, so if I was awful, they were kind enough not to say so.

 And my dad, being a very good sport and a very gracious man, returned the camera and got me a Dremel, which is one of the coolest things I have ever owned.  We had fun playing with it on Monday.  It has a lot of accessories.


Me:  What is this?

Dad:  A grinder.

Me:  What is this?

Dad:  A different grinder.

Me:  What is this?

Dad:  A sander.

Me:  This is so cool!  (Maybe I should be writing this down.)


(True:  I have asked for and been very excited over some rather unique gifts in my time.  I.e., The American Heritage Collegiate Dictionary and a new tool box.  But clearly I'm not the only one asking for brow-raising gifts:  The Squeeze's grandma asked for trouser socks.)

Oooh, and there's still a week to enter the Ugly Sweater Contest!  Email me at danathebiped@gmx.com!

Willow and Sammy are also less likely to come home with giant Ikea bags of dirty laundry than some bloggers I know.

Not to rub it in, but I am completely done with my holiday shopping.  Now all that remains is the actual work part:  wrapping.  I take my wrapping very seriously.  Every year, my wrapping paper coordinates.  I buy spools and spools of ribbon, and make my own bows.  (Store-bought bows?  Please.)  It can take up to three yards of ribbon to trim one package.  I also will use buttons, silk flowers, feathers, and glitter glue for trimmings.  Who doesn't love glitter glue?  Wrapping one package can take up to twenty minutes, though I have gotten quicker over the years.  (The trick lies entirely in glue dots.  Best.  Invention.  Ever.)

I am like the Martha Stewart of gift-wrapping.  Except I've never been to prison.

Of course, I've also never been wealthy--maybe there's a correlation there.


(True:  Maybe I'll post pictures of some of my packages later.  Then you can all admire the blurs and use your imagination--is that fuzzy blob a ribbon?  Or Prada the Puff?)

It's not too late!  Email your Ugly Sweater photos to me at danathebiped@gmx.com!

Rusty is dreaming of a white Christmas in a warm new home.

Speaking of bows, Rusty would look fantastic in one, especially if he were under your tree.

Cake or Death? I Choose Option C, Shoes. Oh, and Death Too, I Guess.

Last night, I bought new shoes:  snakeskin and patent leather ballet flats.  At least two animals had to die in order for me to wear these shoes.  Oh, and they have metal trim, so add countless innocent bugs displaced by the mining, and possibly a dead bird or two.  (If they're old-school like that--Tweety, you go first and tell me if you die!)

It's okay, though, my PETA-friends.  I got them at a thrift store, so everything was murdered for someone else first.  I'm helping with sustainable shoe-harvesting!


(True:  I grew up in very rural Wisconsin, where my family raised rabbits to eat and pygmie goats to sell as indoor pets.  This seemed normal.)