Wednesday, July 3, 2013

I Almost Got Peed On By a Lesbian and Other Coincidences

Hello, dear reader!  I know you have missed me terribly since I last posted--almost a whole week!  I'm so ashamed!  But fear not, for I have been on the lookout for crazy, and the crazy has been plentiful.

First, I should tell you that I'm looking for investors for my new business.  I'm going to install a soda fountain in the trunk of my car and drive around looking for uncaffeinated people.  The way I see it, I should be able to get a government subsidy for this, since it is obviously a much-needed public service.  Uncaffeinated people are tired people.  Tired people are cranky people.  Cranky people don't buy stupid shit at the spur of the moment.  My plan with quite literally stimulate the economy.

I expect the money to come rolling in any moment now.

Second, you look like you need a pun.  Here you go:

Never tell a pun to a kleptomaniac.  He'll take it literally.

(This is not an original joke.  The Internet came up with it.  Or something.)

Third, I almost got peed on by a lesbian.  I went to the Pride Parade here in Chicago on Sunday, and it was awesome.  It was like a regular parade, but with more glitter and naked buttcheeks.  The crowd was very festive and friendly, but there are jerks everywhere, and one woman--who had as much personal space as a crowd that size allowed--threatened to pee on me.  I'm not quite certain why.  But she certainly thrust her butt into me in a bid for more space often enough, and every time I worried she was going to follow through with her threat.  She bragged loudly to her friends that she was assertive.  I think she added too many syllables to that word.

Fourth, I just got a call from a customer.

Customer:  Do you have any xxxxxx in stock?

Me:  Let me check....  No, we don't.

Customer:  Of course you do.

Me:  ...........

(True:  I've been informed I wear my crazy on my sleeve.  I figure this is healthier than hiding it, right?  Right???)


  1. Hahahahahahahaha! Your posts always give me a warm glow! Or that could be the blood rushing to my face from all the laughing. BTW, I've been caffiene free since Father's Day and I feel fine! No really ;)!

    1. Really? Man, if I go more than 24 hours without a Mt. Dew, I get shaky and nauseated and sweaty. It's like my first kiss all over again.

  2. You mean there are parades without glitter and naked butt cheeks?

    1. Rural Wisconsin has a general "no naked butt cheeks" rule...

  3. How do you always end up in situations with strangers putting their butts/crotches in your personal space?!?!

    I have technically been off caffeine for 4 years, but I cheat sometimes. I have to say, the main benefit is that when I do need it, it really works! More than half a cup of coffee and I get twitchy and would swear I have superpowers.

    1. I always wanted to be approachable, but maybe not that approachable.

      I tried an energy drink once. My heart raced so fast I actually thought I was going to die. Fifteen minutes later, I passed out. Yeah, not trying that again.

      Ironically enough, the brand of the energy drink was "Bawls."

  4. Why does it say my comment will be visible "after approval"? Are my comments so potentially offensive that they must be screened? =p