Hello, dear reader! I know you have missed me terribly since I last posted--almost a whole week! I'm so ashamed! But fear not, for I have been on the lookout for crazy, and the crazy has been plentiful.
First, I should tell you that I'm looking for investors for my new business. I'm going to install a soda fountain in the trunk of my car and drive around looking for uncaffeinated people. The way I see it, I should be able to get a government subsidy for this, since it is obviously a much-needed public service. Uncaffeinated people are tired people. Tired people are cranky people. Cranky people don't buy stupid shit at the spur of the moment. My plan with quite literally stimulate the economy.
I expect the money to come rolling in any moment now.
Second, you look like you need a pun. Here you go:
Never tell a pun to a kleptomaniac. He'll take it literally.
(This is not an original joke. The Internet came up with it. Or something.)
Third, I almost got peed on by a lesbian. I went to the Pride Parade here in Chicago on Sunday, and it was awesome. It was like a regular parade, but with more glitter and naked buttcheeks. The crowd was very festive and friendly, but there are jerks everywhere, and one woman--who had as much personal space as a crowd that size allowed--threatened to pee on me. I'm not quite certain why. But she certainly thrust her butt into me in a bid for more space often enough, and every time I worried she was going to follow through with her threat. She bragged loudly to her friends that she was assertive. I think she added too many syllables to that word.
Fourth, I just got a call from a customer.
Customer: Do you have any xxxxxx in stock?
Me: Let me check.... No, we don't.
Customer: Of course you do.
(True: I've been informed I wear my crazy on my sleeve. I figure this is healthier than hiding it, right? Right???)