These are the most common questions I receive. Here are the anxiously-awaited answers.
1) Can you help me with my English homework?
Sure. That money I spent on college ought to be put to some sort of use.
2) What's with the possums?
I don't know. It's the best kind of mystery.
3) What should I read next?
4) What are you wearing?
Long underwear in a dingy gray, two pairs of socks, old sweat pants, a hoody two sizes too big, and a parka. Or if that floats your boat, whatever you think is gross.
5) Are you a feminazi?
If a dude called out another dude for being a douche, does that make him a dudenazi?
6) Why do so many crazy things happen to you? Do you make them up?
Sadly, no. It's serendipity. And a lack of social and/or motor skills.
7) Can I someday be as awesome as your dog?
8) Nine, Ten, or Eleven?
Ten. Obviously. The hair. And below that, the... sneakers.
9) You say you are from Wisconsin. Do you like cheese?
Only if it squeaks.
10) Who is your hero?
My nana. I once went to her in an existential crisis. She took one look at me and said, "Suck it up. You're a Whoozit*."
*Name changed to protect me from the marsupial-lovers.
11) How do you get through each day?
On my monitor, I have a shrine to the Virgin Mary, Superman, and Britney Spears.