Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Advice To Live or Die By. Whichever.

I've written before about how I'm a bit clumsy.  Last week I fell off the toilet and nearly brained myself on the sink.  And then the cast iron radiator.  (To be fair, I was standing on the toilet, because...  You know what?  I'm going to just let you wonder.)

Anyway, I know it's really bugging you, not knowing how I actually survive the day-to-day dangers I face.  Well, I've got rules.

1.  When the going gets tough, watch Supernatural for six hours.  Most trouble doesn't last six hours, and if it does, well, at least it's not a brain-eating monster or Apocolypse 6.0.  Probably.

2.  Never wear pants.  Unless you're in public or otherwise likely to be arrested.  If I am going to die young, I don't want to have missed any pantsless opportunities.

3.  If you're going with a group, let someone else drive.  For obvious reasons, most noteably that you're a god-awful terrible driver.

4.  Read every book in one sitting.  When you're reading, you're immobile, and when you're immobile, you're less likely to accidentally throw yourself down the stairs.  So at least you won't die wondering how the book ends.

5.  Try to avoid your neighbors as much as possible.  No one needs to know you were the one who accidentally drop-kicked a heavy houseplant off the third floor fire escape.  (Learned:  Dirt explodes.  Who knew?)

6.  Statistically, more objects likely to fell you are on the ground than in the air.  So stare at the ground whereever you walk.  Just know that once in a while, you are going to bean your head on stop sign/tree/a stretching tall person. 

7.  When purchasing shoes:  Do the hokey pokey.  If the shoes fall off, they will at some point try to kill you.  Probably in some horrifying, public, and grotesque way.  You've got sexy brains, but no one wants to see them splattered in the food court.

8.  If it requires balance, take a deep breath and don't.  This includes riding a bike.  You'd be better off swimming in pirhanna-infested waters with a raw steak strapped to your face than riding a bike.

9.  Keep in stock:  bandaids, triple antibiotic, ace bandages, gauze pads and gauze wraps, moleskin, burn ointment, Visine, aspirin, and vodka.  Keep all these things in the freezer, since that's where you'll head first anyway.

(True:  My next apartment is going to be on the ground floor.)


  1. I try to go pantsless as often as possible, but when I do it outside I have the problem of constant "Marilyn" moments. And winter complicates things with that whole frostbite nonsense.

  2. I got caught doing jumping jacks while trying on clothes recently. Similar to your shoe hokey pokey test, gotta make sure everything stays school appropriate when I'm running around with kids. The sales clerk was confused.

    You've driven me several times, and I think you're a good driver. Or maybe I am just so horrible that everyone is good in comparison!

  3. Hokey pokey! I love it! I usually have the problem of shoes that are too tight but I like your test. And I would LOVE to read a book in one sitting! I don't go pantsless though; the world isn't ready for that! :D

    1. Reading a book in one sitting is pretty much the best thing ever. So this whole needing to work full-time to support myself is really putting a cramp in my style. I need a sugar daddy. :)