Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Dear Little Children: I am Sorry for Your Future in Therapy.

I don't know if you've heard, but there's a recession out there.  And I have a bachelor's degree in English Lit.  My paying-for-stuff options have therefore been limited.  Unlike my friend Jake, who found a job in the industry but had to go halfway across the world to do it, I chose to stay state-side.

So I have three jobs.

Job Number Three is babysitting for the cutest four-year-old twins ever.  I head over to their house on Saturday afternoons and pop in a movie while their parents nap, so it's pretty low-key.

This is what I have learned:  Walt Disney is a babysitter's worst nightmare.

Cars 2:  Little Girl:  This movie scares me!
              Internal Me:  Me too.  It's about a truck with mental retardation and buck teeth.  It doesn't get scarier than that.

Bambi:  Little Girl:  Where did Bambi's mom go?
              Me:  The hunters got her, remember?
              Little Girl:  Why?
              Me:  Uh...  They didn't know she had a family?
              Little Girl:  But what happened to her?
              Me:  Uh....
              Little Boy:  They exploded her!

Cinderella:  Little Boy:  This movie is dumb!
                     Internal Me:  Because of the gender stereotypes being perpetuated?  Because of the way the stepsisters noxious personalities and lack of intelligence are represented by ugly exteriors, perpetuating the stereotype that ugly people are stupid, bad people?
                     Little Boy:  Because the mice wear clothes!

Sleeping Beauty:  Internal Me:  Now, kids, if anyone tries to kiss you while you're unconscious, it doesn't mean they are a prince.  It means they're a pervert.
                               Little Girl:  He's so handsome!

The Duck Tails movie, however, is awesome in every way.

(True:  I have a friend my age who is pretty much a Disney princess comes to life.  She's tiny; she's beautiful; she sings; and her dreams regularly feature bunnies.  I haven't had the heart to tell her I grew up on a rabbit farm, where the dinner table regularly featured bunnies.)

Midnight is a couch potato, and she just wanted to say that she'd be happy to watch any movie with you.  It doesn't need to be a princess movie.  She's got the princess part covered all by herself.


  1. Jolly Greene GiantJanuary 18, 2012 at 9:03 AM

    I'd go with Wall-E. It would only scar the children about the evil in the future caused by mega corporations.

    1. Cute robots and abject terror, with a healthy side of guilt--I love it!