Friday, January 13, 2012

Prepare to be Amazed

Let me start this post with a pre-emptive apology.  I was going to have this really clever post with entertaining photos about my weekend in Wisconsin, but The Squeeze forgot those photos are on his phone.  So, instead, I've come up with some poems you won't want to share with your children.

Hickory dickory dock,
The mouse ran up the clock.
The clock struck two,
The mouse went poo,
And I said, "Eww,
I'm leaving the cleanup all for you."

The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout.
Down came the rain and washed the spider out.
Out came the sun and dried up all the rain,
So I ran the spider over with my truck.

There was a crooked man, who walked a crooked mile.
He found a crooked sixpence upon a crooked stile.
He bought a crooked cat, which caught a crooked house,
And they all lived together in a little crooked house.
And so he wrote a country song, and sang it all about.
And morons loved it everywhere, and cheered it with a shout.
He bought some fancy clothes, you can see in U.S. Weekly,
But his ex-girlfriends say, he's really bad in bed.

Jack and Jill went up a hill,
To fetch a pail of water.
Which was a lot more work than it needed to be, since everyone knows the water table doesn't suddenly rise just because you've climbed a stupid hill, so really they had that whole "crown" tragedy coming.

This is the McMansion the Jack built.
This is the bank that foreclosed on the McMansion that Jack built.
This is the box behind the dumpster next to the bank that foreclosed on the McMansion that Jack built.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Ate omelets.

Peter, Peter, pumpkin-eater
Had a wife and couldn't keep her.
Because she wanted a damn apple pie for once, asshole.

This photo is extra-large to make up for the fact that I didn't have any others to post.

Dora would like to point out that she has no say in what I post, and she's not nearly as messed up in the head as I am.


  1. Ate omelets! Bwahahahaha! And damn right they had that crown tragedy coming! Who in their right mind puts a well on the TOP of a hill?! As for the crooked man being bad in bed, I guess he wasn't crooked all over! :D

    1. My co-workers think I'm crazy because I kept cracking meself up writing these. During my lunch hour, of course...

  2. I was so awesomely amazed. And inspired. And I might be a little bit in love with you now.

    Just a little.

    1. I assure you the feeling is requited. Wanna be my internet girlfriend?

    2. Absolutely. I will shower you with smooshy virtual hugs and loads of giggles.

      But I need to know how you feel about my reading other blogs before I can promise not to cheat. *wandering off to update my blog list*

    3. That's okay, I guess, as long as I can see other blogs, too.