Friday, January 6, 2012

When Physics (and Other Subjects) Attack

Class, let me introduce you to my good friend, Mike the Deer-Puncher.  His stories are going to enlighten us and provide examples clarifying today's lessons.  Ready?  Okay.

Open your math books to page 487.  Problem one reads, "If Dana the Biped and Mike the Deer-Puncher both plan on taking the London Underground with their choir director from Gloucester Road to Chiswick Park on the Green Line, how much later than Dana will Mike arrive?"


It's answer B, about ten minutes later.  Because Mike will have to take the next train after he has shoved Dana onto the train just as the doors close, and been left behind, waving sadly as the choir director pulls out his hair.

Alright, we'll move on.  Physics, page 193:  "If Mike the Deer-Puncher depressurizes a can of Glade room spray with a pitchfork instead of an ax, how long will he smell like a Hawaiian Breeze?"

If you answered, "I can't remember, the fumes messed with my head," give yourself a point.  Bonus points if you can tell me how many years Mike continued shedding shrapnel in the shower.

Moving on to English, and continuing our study of literary devices.  Can anyone explain to me what cosmic irony is?  It's the idea that the fates are toying with us mere humans, and it can stem from a large and surprising discrepancy between reality and our human ideals. 

For example, Mike the Deer-Puncher is in school to become a veteranarian, which is quite expensive.  The only way he's found to pay for that education?  Working in a butcher shop.

That's all for today, class; we'll have Mike visit us again soon.  You are dismissed.

(True:  All of the stories above, though I can't remember the exact scent of the Glade.  It might have been Country Garden.)

Isn't it ironic?  Don'cha think?
Midnight has learned that an object in motion stays in motion--until it trips over big puppy feet and faceplants.


  1. Oh, so many good Mike the Deer-Puncher stories. Don't forget Page 254 of Baseball Training and the busted nose that followed. Or my favorite, a random page from his social calendar where he took 2 girls to prom.

  2. Hahaha, I totally forgot about the prom thing! Who did he take again? But don't worry, baseball training will come in due time...

  3. This guy sounds like a real winner, the kind of genius everyone needs for a friend. (I figured since you covered irony so well I could move on to sarcasm.)

  4. I am wondering how Mike got his name?

  5. I totally flunked out on all the answers. And I really want to know where Deer Puncher came from and why. Is there a make-up test?

  6. Brian: I've never met anyone so phenomenally unlucky. You feel bad, but you have to laugh. He's good people, though. Once, when I hurt my knees badly in field hockey but had to keep playing (we only had just enough people on the team to play), he carried me all the way back across campus to my room.

  7. Ally: Don't worry; that story is coming.

  8. Jo: I've got lots, lots more Mike the Deer-Puncher stories, so you'll have some opportunities for extra credit. :)