When I was little, I was stupid.
Here is what being an adult woman is really like:
- NO ONE REALLY LOOKS LIKE THE KARDASHIANS DO ON TV. THE KARDASHIANS DON'T EVEN LOOK LIKE THE KARDASHIANS DO ON TV. Stop judging my sweatpants.
- Uncomfortable bras, and worst of all, strapless bras.
- You only get your period when you think it's safe to wear your favorite underwear.
- I could go out. Or I could stay in, gorge on pizza puffs, watch bad television, and be in bed before the ten o'clock news.
- That event so awful I won't name it here. (But it involves stirrups and a vicious lie along the lines of, "It'll just be a pinch.")
- Wolf whistles.
- Grubby children pulling your birth control out of your purse in front of mixed company.
- Childbirth war stories. (Seriously--can mothers answer me why none of you seem to have PTSD?)
- The expectation of the general populace that you just can't wait to experience that particular miracle.
- Smashing, painful mammograms. For years.
- Menopause and the accompanying misery. For years.
(True: Today I had the grisly distinction of bearing witness to several women's very detailed discussion of mammograms. I am suddenly terrified of life.)