Tuesday, November 29, 2011

We Survived! (And No One Mentioned the Word "Shriveled")

The Squeeze and I generally don't spend holidays together.  My family is all in Wisconsin; his is in St. Louis.  Because of this, most of my extended family had never met The Squeeze.  Lord help him, he came up north with me this Thanksgiving.

I was a bit nervous about what my family might say to him.  My extended family--the older generation, anyway--is of the opinion that women should marry young.  I graduated from college magna cum laude, but without my MRS degree, so no good.

My Sister the Lawyer got married some years ago--four, or something.  I don't remember.  At her bridal showers, the Great-Aunt Evelyns (there are at least three of them) cornered me for an intervention.  They were concerned.  You see, I was already twenty-three, and if I didn't get married and have babies soon, my parts might shrivel up and fall out.
Anway, because of this, I was a bit nervous.  Other than my grandma holding onto The Squeeze's hand as if she were asking him to save me from drowning in the Titanic, it went swimmingly.  (Sorry, I like puns.  I am very ashamed.)

Of course, ever since The Incident of the Evelyns, I've been prepared:

"Oh, I'm waiting for either Johnny Depp or the Mother Ship--whichever comes last."

(True:  Patrick Stewart would be a more-than-acceptable alternate.  I once saw him play Antony in Antony and Cleopatra, and he sweated on me.  It was awesome.)

I would totally save your kids from the Titanic.  Especially if there were kibble in their pockets.  I'm totally a family man.  I probably deserve a treat just for saying that.
 Like Bob, I like OPK's:  Other People's Kids.  Bob, however, would probably like to adopt yours, which is why Bob is a better bet for you than I am.


  1. Don't be ashamed of liking puns! Puns rock! : )

  2. You know, Shakespeare used them all the time. Only, when you're Shakespeare, it's called "wordplay," not "punning."

  3. Glad to hear there was not too much talk of your parts shriveling up. And taking the heat from Gran and The Evelyns is one way The Squeeze could prove he's a keeper.

    Now, no more talk of being sweated on by Patrick Stewart! Your mind should not be on these vulgar fantasies, but on finding a real husband.

  4. Sorry, I had to say it.

    Next time you talk to The Evelyns, tell them they can send a check or just direct-deposit the amount we agreed on. (They'll know what you mean.)