Monday, January 7, 2013

I'll Be Beating Them Off With a Stick For Sure

I'm thinking of signing up on one of those dating sites, and I'm hoping you guys can help me edit my profile.

Name:  Dana the Biped (Prada the Puff and Stink are freebies.  Or an entourage, if you think that's cooler.  Whatever.  We're a group package.  I really hope you don't have allergies.)

Date of Birth:  Old enough to buy beer, young enough to still get carded for buying beer.  Old enough for my great-aunts to think I'm a spinster, young enough to want to punch them for it.*

*I do not actually condone great-aunt-punching.

Occupation:  Full-time office drudge, part-time blogger/karaoke jockey.  I'm a "slash"--like the Midwest's version of Paris Hilton, except I know what Walmart is and my boobs are real.

About me:  Well, I've got a fair few skills that would help in a zombie apocalypse.  I know how to use a chainsaw and drive a manual transmission.  I'm great to have around in an emergency--I've set my kitchen on fire enough times to know that panicking helps nothing. 

I love to eat, so I'd be a great test subject for anyone who likes to cook.  And since I'm a total whiny wimp when I'm sick, you have the prime opportunity to play romantic hero by supplying me with tissues, cough drops, and books.  In my free time, I like watching Doctor Who and not wearing pants.

But seriously, how could you even edit such a work of genius and panache?

(True:  I'm limping through the whole day with just one can of Mt. Dew.  I'm impressed that I'm still conscious, frankly.)


  1. You're a catch Dana! Seriously, I met my husband of 15 years on a telephone dating service (this was in the Internet's baby days when there was no internet dating - oh the horror!).

    I especially like that you're giving him the opportunity to play romantic hero! Do you watch Big Bang Theory? If not, you should at least track down the episode where Sheldon takes care of Amy when she's sick. It's awesome; who knew Sheldon could be so heroic!?

    1. I love that show! Except because I don't have TV right now, I've only seen a few episodes here and there. I definitely have to track that episode down!

      (Why is it that I get the feeling Internet dating IS a horror?...)

  2. Hey, I have several friends who are engaged/married and met online. It's pretty common this day and age. And your profile is WAY more entertaining than most. I'd totally date you. And if the online dating thing doesn't work out, I bet it will at least provide some good material for your blog!

    Come to think of it, my boyfriend and I technically met online. I was trying to talk to my sister on AIM back in the day and he answered for her.