I'm thinking of signing up on one of those dating sites, and I'm hoping you guys can help me edit my profile.
Name: Dana the Biped (Prada the Puff and Stink are freebies. Or an entourage, if you think that's cooler. Whatever. We're a group package. I really hope you don't have allergies.)
Date of Birth: Old enough to buy beer, young enough to still get carded for buying beer. Old enough for my great-aunts to think I'm a spinster, young enough to want to punch them for it.*
*I do not actually condone great-aunt-punching.
Occupation: Full-time office drudge, part-time blogger/karaoke jockey. I'm a "slash"--like the Midwest's version of Paris Hilton, except I know what Walmart is and my boobs are real.
About me: Well, I've got a fair few skills that would help in a zombie apocalypse. I know how to use a chainsaw and drive a manual transmission. I'm great to have around in an emergency--I've set my kitchen on fire enough times to know that panicking helps nothing.
I love to eat, so I'd be a great test subject for anyone who likes to cook. And since I'm a total whiny wimp when I'm sick, you have the prime opportunity to play romantic hero by supplying me with tissues, cough drops, and books. In my free time, I like watching Doctor Who and not wearing pants.
But seriously, how could you even edit such a work of genius and panache?
(True: I'm limping through the whole day with just one can of Mt. Dew. I'm impressed that I'm still conscious, frankly.)